Honestly...

Ok, so I debated about whether or not to blog this, so don't be surprised if this post disappears after I change my mind.

I woke up Sunday morning with an intense desire not to go to church. I missed the week before so that is very common for me to get lazy the week after. So I figured if I went I would get the desire back. I did... somewhat.

As I was getting ready, I started to think about all the things I haven't been wanting to do lately. I have not done any blogging (at least not at the level I usually do), I haven't been taking great care of the house (thank heavens for my hubby and kids!), I haven't been interested in going back to the gym or eating right again, and I haven't any enthusiasm for projects that would normally get me excited. In addition, my FMS has been flaring up MAJORLY over the last few months.

And then it hit me... I'm depressed!

I was really surprised by this. Why? Because many years ago, I suffered from some pretty serious depression, and therefore, I figured if it returned I would feel like I did back then (or at least I would see it coming). I was wrong.

Now I am searching for answers. Not as to what caused it, but how to fix it. I have vowed to go back to the gym, but I keep making excuses because of the pain (I know better than this). I start projects that I can't quite finish because they seem too daunting once I get into them. I am trying to buy a house, but we keep running into problems (and the thought of moving scares me!). I really don't want meds again, but will if I can't fix it any other way.

Really, I am not looking for sympathy, or for people to come up and ask me how I'm doing at church or anything (so please don't). I just felt the need to vent and type it all out. Maybe it will make me feel better to just start doing something again. I don't know.

In the meantime, I am debating going to the gym tomorrow... I'll let you know what I decide.